- Follow your meal plan as prescribed by your medical team/family/loved ones.
- Continue to follow said meal plan despite any feelings of thoughts which says otherwise.
I sometimes wish there was a manual which guided you on how to recover from an eating disorder, not to dissimilar from putting together a flat pack piece of furniture from Ikea (although this might as well be written in a different language).
Recovery wise I am doing exceptionally well, I am not officially a healthy weight, so for any of those who haven't seen me since just under a year ago you wouldn't actually know any of this had happened. I look back to my old self, I have a further bit of weight to go, as I was above the minimum weight when I relapsed last year. While I feel uncomfortable in this body I also know that I didn't exactly feel at home in it when I was restricting. So while health care professionals keep reassuring me that I am doing so well, what worries me isn't about being doing well now, it is when all the support is taken away, how well will I do then? Will I manage so long before I crumble. I keep being told that I can't think that far in the future and that this time I am doing it differently.
The steps above worked for me the first time, I followed my meal plan every single day eating the same food at the same time, but it just wasn't a way to live. I was so deeply unhappy and controlled, but also it was the first time I was a healthy weight as an adult and I was eating the most I ever had. So although I was struggling it was the best I had been in years.
Right now I am so deeply unhappy and low. I feel anxious, lonely and sad. I am not sure how long I can tolerate these feelings for. I keep pushing people away from me and I can't understand why anyone would want to with me but then at the same time I am feeling lonely and like no one cares.
I sat their with my therapist, Z, the other day saying I feel like I live my life switching between restricting and recovery, both feel awful, both feel like absolute crap. Z said to me that I never fully recovered and emotionally I had relapsed when I left hospital, which is true, but there is another way. I said I didn't believe her, right now I honestly can't see how things will be any different. I feel so utterly alone and horrid, I feel huge from the extra weight I have gained, guilty for the amount I have been eating and just this overwhelming feeling of wanting to make it all stop.
I just want it to stop, I want to numb it all away.
Does it ever change? Can you ever pass this phase and feel like you can actually do this? Or am I going to spend my life struggling through each day wondering when and if it actually does get better?
Any advice would be great, because right now I don't see how else I can push through this, old ways are becoming more tempting right now I am holding out refusing to give in. My worry is how long will I be able to tolerate it this time.