Friday, 1 April 2016

Happy April Fool's day

Hi all,

I know April Fool's isn't an official holiday but I thought it would be a good idea to embrace the silliness and, hopefully, laughter which comes from the day.

It has been a while since I have logged into my blog, this is down to several reasons. Mostly, I am so exhausted from the day program, recovery and constant battle in my head that I quite frankly do not have the energy to even think about blogging or writing. I often explore thoughts in my head but this can lead to remuneration and I need to be better at writing these down, I always feel like these need to be well written sentences, but I should just jot down whatever comes into my head, whether it will be words or a stream of sentences with no connection to each other.

I am trying to think of what I have been doing in the last month. I might do these as bullet points, my concentration is still not as good as it used to be and I am finding reading continuous pros of blogs and articles difficult, but funnily enough I am able to read books. Strange! So what have I done in the last month:

  • I have continued to build a relationship with my therapist; I feel like it is gong really well and I have found someone I can really connect with. I think it can be so incredibly difficult to find a good therapist. I like the fact that this will stay in place even after I have completed the day program treatment and that it is not based on NHS timescales and funding.
  • I have wanted to start practising yoga but I knew that I needed to be careful with being at a low weight, but my medical team actually suggested it as a form of relaxation to help with my anxiety and to help reduce my obsessive cleaning behaviour. I am really enjoying it and have gone to a class but I have also done some amazing YouTube videos. My favourite is Yoga with Adrienne, I am so planning on attending a weekly class which is at a church opposite the block of flats where I live.

  • R went on holiday to America, while I was upset and I missed him so dearly, I did survive! He came back last week Thursday and I am SO SO glad that he is back!! He also brought me back lots of American goodies, I have a slight obsession with anything Reese related, which have definitely made my snacks a lot more interesting.

  • I went to my friend's birthday lunch - I went late as I did not feel ready to involve myself in the food situation at that time, but just the simple fact that I went was such a big deal for me. It is also so important for me to start socialising again with my friends.
  • I coped with the Easter weekend, I didn't just cope but actually had a lovely time with my sister and R. I also had an Easter egg ;-)
  • I ate out for the first time in recovery! My sister and I went to Nando's last Saturday for lunch and I went again with my friend D yesterday evening for dinner.
  • I have been working on tackling some food anxieties including eating; chocolate pastries, bagels, goat's cheese, Cadbury's chocolate pot and unknown calorie cakes and brownies.
(mmm this is making me want to eat it again!)

  • I have met up with friends and have spoken to my manager about returning to work.
  • I have found somewhere new to live and have a provisional move in day for the 1st May.

Wow reading this has definitely made me feel like I have achieved a lot this last month, the power of positive thinking eh? Unfortunately, with the good also comes the bad. While it is positive and essential for my recovery, I am finding it difficult to cope with the weight gain. I am not at a healthy weight yet, but I am also not significantly underweight. I am in the grey area of in between, which for me is incredibly scary. Physically, I feel so much better, I have more energy, my mood has improved, I no longer feel so cold and irritable, which is all great, except now I am finding it harder to justify and comply with meal plan increases and more weight gain. I feel so much better so why do I need to gain more weight, why can't I stop right here. If you are also struggling with this stage in recovery I highly recommend, if you have not already, reading through the Minnie Maud guidelines and this article here. Which both explain why you should not stop recovery half way. I realise that this is exactly what my mind is trying to tell me what to do. Last week I had a meal plan increase and for the reason outlined above I am finding extremely difficult to follow. I have been soo good with following all the advice given to me by my team and doing everything they are saying. So why am I stumbling at this hurdle? Is it because I no longer feel like I can justify eating unless I am at a low weight?

I feel like recovery is becoming harder rather than easier, but I know this is to be expected. I think I am also extremely nervous about the impending return to work next month. It frightens me, alongside the fact that in 2-3 weeks I will be starting the second phase of the day program which is starting to step down and reduce the number of days I attend. Initially it is only a drop from five days to four, but after the initial month, I will then be dropping two days from the program. On one of these days I will be working...

This all feels so overwhelming, why does the thought of returning to the real world scare me so much? Is it because anorexia gave me the outlet to avoid dealing with real life?

Any thoughts? How have you dealt or coped with returning to normal life after treatment?

Did you play any April Fool's jokes today?


  1. You've done so much in the month! YAY for productivity. :)

    1. Thank you :) sometimes it's so nice to write it down and see how much you have done; I feel so alive at the moment and it feels great!

  2. Great stuff, I'm really glad to hear things are more positive! I was worried after your previous post but these past few weeks have been full of awesome achievements!

    Going out to dinner, enjoying 'fear foods', embracing yoga, these are all really positive steps that you should be proud of. I know this 'halfway stage' is tough, and all I can suggest is that you think about how good you feel compared to when you first started recovering, and how much better you can still feel by continuing with recovery!

    Keep it up, you're doing great. :-D

    1. Thank you Dan - you do not know how I much appreciate it, it's even made me a bit teary (I apologise I am quite emotional at the moment, damn de-numbing!). The half way house is horrid I think for me it's worse than the beginning of recovery. I hope you have been good :) thank you for the tip on yoga it's so relaxing :) xx

  3. I gave up anorexia finally at 30 after 20 years. It's a good age - make the most of your 30's!

    Why do you find the thought of returning to the real world scary? I think anorexia forms a little bubble around you - like you're living in your own little world. You have your own routines, places to hide, people to avoid. Stepping out of that up is hard, but an essential step. If you keep leaving your comfort zone and doing the things you fear you realise you can actually do them, and life moves on.

    1. Hi James, thank you so much for your comment, I am so glad I have someone who can relate about hitting your 30s and wanting to give up anorexia. I'm almost there and I really do not my 30s to be the same as my 20s it can be so hard to remember that.

      I couldn't agree more, anorexia definitely stops you engaging in real life. I am so scared about returning to work and life and not being able to cope again, but I guess that's the risk you take and like you said if you keep pushing yourself you will find you're capable of so much more :)

      Thank you for the reminder!!