The title of this blog posts is from the DBT group on Monday where we discussed Radical Acceptance Therapy. Today is an entry from my diary from Monday 22nd February...
It has been four weeks since I joined the day program, my intake has been increased by XXX calories and my weight by XXX.
Monday is weigh day and obviously I was expecting a gain considering my meal plan was increased last Thursday. J (the day program manager) said something which made me feel so much more comfortable with the weight gain and made me see it in a positive light. J said, this is much better then not having made any progress and she is right. If I had spent four weeks on the day unit and off sick from work and not gained or changed anything, I would be calling myself a failure. I would be so frustrated and angry with myself. I need to continue to focus on the positive aspects which are that I am now eating an appropriate amount of food and I am slowly, yes slowly despite what my head says, gaining weight.
I am restoring something that is already mine, rather than it being something in addition. So in the same if a friend borrowed £20 from me and then it pays it back. I am not £20 richer, I haven't acquired more money, it is replacing something that was already mine. This is why it is called weight restoring. Anorexia is the friend who keeps borrowing your money and doesn't want to give it back, but it doesn't just take your money, it takes your everything from you, it can make life not worth living and sometimes it will take your life too. I am not just restoring my weight, I am taking control of my life, my body and of myself.
I am willing this to try convince myself, maybe if I write it enough times, I might start to believe it? But will I ever believe it? Will I ever not want to retreat back into my little bubble of anorexia?