Thursday, 21 January 2016

Everything is starting to fall in place (TW)

So as I have mentioned a few times I've been on the waiting list to start the day program at the eating disorder clinic, last week Friday I had my assessment and was accepted onto the program. I am due to to start on Monday, so I had this week to tie everything up at work. Heck it was a hella of lot more notice then when I was admitted for inpatient so I wasn't going to complain, plus I was glad things were being put into place so quickly.

I met with the dietitian, A, today, she is fairly new to the service and I haven't worked with her before. A is very different to T but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, a lot more blunt which I wasn't expecting and she definitely brought me down a peg or two!  Although be fair I think needed it. We set up a meal plan as to what I will be eating when I start the program next week. To say it was overwhelming would be an understatement. I feel scared and upset as I'm not happy with the options I have picked for my plan. It's all just so confusing, we have to have a milky drink with a food snack. Apparently a milk drink isn't considered snack, which is fine by me, but also new to me! When I was on the ward the majority of my snacks were drinks, but hey ho I will go with it! So I thought I would share what my new plan is; I am not going to share breakfast and dinner, as this maybe triggering and for now these won't be changing.

Breakfast: same as before (at home)
Morning snack: whole milk with coffee and either a banana or 2 biscuits (at the day unit) 
Lunch: bought from the hospital canteen is a sandwich with a protein filling, Muller Corner yoghurt/milky drink and fruit (at the day unit) 
Afternoon snack: whole milk with coffee and either a banana or 2 biscuits (at the day unit) 
Dinner: same as before (at home)
Evening snack: semi skimmed milk with an options hot chocolate and a 2 finger Kit Kat (at home)

Now big TW compared to what I have been eating this feels so overwhelming, A said compared to what the other patients are having this is a very low meal plan and she's really going to have to justify it to the team why I am having so little. She said she wants to make it manageable for me so that I don't go home and end up skipping everything also so that she knows I can follow it on the weekend. A said her main aim was to stop the weight loss, I put weight on easily, so this won't only just stop it! I will more than likely gain quite a bit just from this urgh.

A was also concerned that as my intake has been so low for so long that I would be at a small risk of refeeding syndrome which I didn't think would be possible at this weight! I remember it being an issue when people were admitted but I was surprised to learn that I could still be at risk.

I feel scared and it's all becoming a bit too real (plus I hate whole milk! It's not an anorexic dislike, I genuinely do not like whole milk, I never have). Tomorrow is my last day at work, my manager and team have been beyond lovely and supportive and even bought me a lovely present after our team meeting on Wednesday.

Oh god what am I doing, how did I get myself in this mess? :( 

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