Wednesday, 16 December 2015

So what's different about this time...

it's slowly dawning on me how much of my life I've wasted on this stupid illness. For the majority of which I genuinely didn't realise I had a problem. For nearly 13 years I lived with this disorder and was convinced did by myself with the help of my mother that I was a very normal happy girl. I was told I was so lucky to have such a fortunate life. I wasn't even diagnosed until I was 26 even though I have been underweight since I was 14, restricting since I was 12 and having my GP and other medical professionals telling me all my physical issues were due to being underweight. When I was younger my mother would smile and say that I ate like a horse "you wouldn't say that if you saw the amount of chocolate she puts away" and "I monitor what she eats, she is just naturally thin". I wasn't though and it wasn't until I sought help myself. I spoke to my counsellor about it and she referred me to the eating disorder service I thought it was an extreme reaction. Anyways I was seen for a little bit and soon after admitted to the EDU.

Now I'm reaching 30 and still this remains an issue. I feel like it's not fair I realised so late. I'm now in the middle of a relapse it's still early days. Although I have a fantastic team at the moment who are concerned which is nice. I received a call yesterday and I'm being called in by the day unit service to come and have a look around and find out more about it. See if it is "for me". Then assessed in the new year. Signed off work for 3 months, am I really going to do this again. I promised myself last time I would never go down this route again, what is different this time? I know things are no where near as bad but still I'm doing it again being signed off work and spending my days at a hospital. What have I done? What am I doing? How can I trust myself?

I had this romantic idea of doing recovery again, I imagined eating chocolate, ice cream and chips. I also imagined recovering healthy and learning all about nourishing my body. I am so scared and I hate that my first thoughts are that I am not sick enough and that I need to lose more. Comments like that from other people infuriate me? Why would you want to lose more you will just need to gain it back, I want to scream! This is about getting better. I am such a hypocrite I hate what I've become...

No comments:

Post a Comment