Sunday, 27 December 2015

Pity posts, me feeling sorry for myself

So this blog has become a sort of diary so I apologise in advance if these entries seem pointless and repetitive. So Christmas was manageable food wise, I am not going to sit here and boast about how it was a great recovery win or gloss over the day. It was tough but I managed to get through it. I'm not going to say what I ate but I know recovery wise it wasn't a great success. To be honest I am so glad it's finished, the sense of relief is overwhelming, I feel a lot better. That's a horrible way to think but it's true.

I can't sit here and pretend I am happy, while my mood isn't bad at the moment. I am tired. Tired of living in this eating disorder of the feelings of cold and hunger. Unlike some people who suffer from anorexia I don't rejoice at feeling hungry. While a full and bursting tummy is hard to deal with, feeling hunger isn't enjoyable for me I don't feel better for feeling empty and the churning inside my stomach like a washing machine. It's painful, no matter how much people try to sugar coat it that they  "enjoy" it, it's horrible. A feeling where I am so hungry I could cry because I just want to eat but I can't because it feels so out of bounds. There is nothing great or to be celebrated about that.

I spoke to my sister about becoming a day patient and she thinks it's a must and by not going I am just going to end up in hospital again. Which of course would be far worse, at least this way I can sleep in my own bed which is a major positive for me! I feel better knowing I have her support, she has tried so hard to understand this disorder and she really does get it! She understand that this isn't what I want and this hold, almost a block, stops me from acting. It's like I want to reach out and my hand just hits a glass wall, I can see it and I am close enough to think it's attainable, but my hand crashes into the glass, I can bang and bang as much as I want but I can't get out, no one can get to me and I can't get to them.

I want this nightmare to stop, but this post is a very woeful me. Only I can take action, only I can make those changes! I need to take responsibility and make the changes. I hate myself because I am acting like I have no say in this because I do! I'm being a hypocrite. I am acting like all the people I get angry with and want to shake and say just try. Nothing changes unless you try, try to make changes. 

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