Good afternoon all,
I can't seem to change my settings to the actual time I am posting my blogs, so while here it is 12 pm in the afternoon, I am not quite sure what time stamp will be posted!
So it is kind of hard to miss that Christmas is well on it's way, it is definitely the main topic of conversation and I think it is even beating talking about the weather! Which I think if you are from England, is quite a rare occurrence. So while everyone is discussing festivities and Christmas shopping, well all know it isn't quite the humbug of what it is meant to be.
Forgetting for a moment the immense social pressure on people to spend money and for those who fall in financial debt because of this (don't even get me started, as I will go on for days about this!).
Anyways this blog post isn't to enlight you about how to survive Christmas with an eating disorder because while I think this is a very important topic, many other bloggers have covered this far better than I ever could. I would recommend checking out:
- Young Minds - Coping with an eating disorder at Christmas - while I do not fall under the category "young person" anymore this article has loads of handy tips regardless of age.
- Beat message boards - which provide loads of online support and tips.
So back to the main topic of this blog post, Christmas. To say I am stressed and not looking forward to it pretty sums it up! Previous years I have put myself through unpleasant events such as sitting at Christmas dos when I have been seriously ill and cried all the way home on the phone to my sister and where I have managed the work dos and Christmas days with anxiety but definitely a lot happier. So this year, I couldn't bear to put myself through it so I avoided the Christmas do like the plague and now I am contemplating Christmas. It would be fine if I were still going to my boyfriend's parent's house for the traditional dinner I could manage that, but nope we are going to his brother's house to enjoy Christmas with his wife and parent-in-laws and such others. This is where the food is unknown, I can't escape easily as it is not close by and I will be expected to keep up a level of conversation and expectation of food consumption. Don't get me wrong normally I am a very sociable person I love talking, but also I know when I am in the mist of my eating disorder I struggle, it takes so much energy. Also the food - did I mention it is unknown, I also can't deal with the nice gestures of people telling me to eat more or I HAVE TO HAVE PUDDING. I just want it to stop.
The alternative is spending it my sister, her other half and his son. I love my sister and spend a lot of time with her so this is great. I love her so much and she is so understanding that she has my safe food already sitting in her house "just in case" I do want to come for Christmas or even just stay for dinner one day. I want to be able to spend Christmas day with my boyfriend like a normal person, go see my sister in the morning for cuddles and presents and head off with my boyfriend in the afternoon.
I don't have the energy to think about this and I just keep hoping it will go away, which isn't like me I plan and plan and plan and plan, until I am going round in circles, but I just want to be left alone at the moment. I don't care if I am on my own on the day and just treating it as normal, this isn't a happy occasion and I am not in a happy place right now, but is that just being selfish? I think so.
Anyways this is more of a word vomit more than anything.
I saw my therapist yesterday and I am meeting the lady who runs the day program tomorrow let us call her J. J is going to show me round and see if it is for me. My therapist, A, called me out yesterday about my hesitancy to make any changes because I am just waiting for the day program to start, she is right, but I also feel ashamed that she pick up on this. A also informed me that we are more than a third through our sessions and it would make more sense if I was seeing her while I was making changes so she can support me. Apparently I am only allowed a maximum of 20 sessions to help me through a disorder I have had for 17 years, you got to love the NHS! The thing is I don't have the energy right now to make those changes, the anxiety and emotion is so overwhelming that most of the time I am just trying to get through each day. In comparison my weight isn't even that bad compared to the past but my mindset is the same.
None of this even makes sense, I am just ranting, I think I best stop now!
Merry Christmas everyone!